The 9th of November is World Satire Day and to mark the occasion, I wanted to share a short satirical script I wrote back in 2012 as part of my English A-Level coursework. The story is titled Harry Potter and the Dark Minister, which is set in the wizarding world of Harry Potter and highlights real-life issues at the time such as student loans, the unlawful killing of a man that led to riots and financial cuts by the coalition Government.
Note: If you’re not a Harry Potter fan or do not understand or have an interest in UK politics, then I apologise that this may not make sense to you.
Harry Potter and the Dark Minister
SCENE 1: Hogwarts students seated in the Great Hall listening to Professor Dumbledore’s speech
Dumbledore: Good evening students. I have a special announcement to make. This school will play host to the Ministry of Magic Elections 2010. On Thursday 6th May, this hall will be transformed into a polling station where wizards and witches from in and around Hogwarts can cast their vote on who should be the new Minister for Magic. Students aged 17 or over are eligible to vote too….
(Students talk amongst themselves)
Dumbledore: SILENCE!
(Students fall silent)
Dumbledore: (Waves hand over large goblet which starts glowing blue flames) This is the goblet of fire. This is where your votes will be cast. Simply put the name of the Minister you wish to vote for on a piece of parchment and then place it in the fire. Your choices are as follows:
Cornelius Fudge (An image of Cornellius Fudge appears in the flames)
Ron: (To Harry) He’s no good. The highest position he’ll get to is deputy minister.
Dumbledore: And Bartemius Crouch Sr! (image of Bartemius Crouch appears in the flames)
Ron: He will be crap at building up better families….he has enough family disputes of his own!
Dumbledore: So voting will begin at 9am on Thursday 6h May and results will be announced on Friday 7th May.
(Montage of people gathered in the Great Hall voting)
SCENE 2: Students seated in the Great Hall awaiting the results
Dumbledore: Good morning students. The time has come to find out the results of the election. (Places hand on goblet)
(An image of a man in a black cloak holding an envelope with Cornelius Fudge and Bartemius Croach stood either side of him)
Man in cloak: The new Minister for Magic of Great Britain will be…..
(Bright green flames appear from the goblet removing the image and Lord Voldemort emerges from the goblet and stands at Dumbledore’s podium, startling staff and students .)
Voldemort: (Scans the hall with a wide grin on his face) Will be me!
(Shrieks, cries and yells of protest errupt the hall by students)
Voldemort: SILENCE! (Takes wand and fires green sparks into the air.)
(The hall falls silent)
Voldemort: Now, speaking like a true politician, I have chosen to infiltrate the ministry and as your new Minister, the way things are run will change. I want to help build a more responsible society in the wizarding world. I plan to build an economy that lacks work, build a society with failing families and communities and I want a political system that people can trust and look up to once again.
Here are some new laws which I’m putting into action immediately. Firstly, students will be ordered to pay a year’s fee of 1826 galleons, which for you mudbloods is the equivalent of £9000. If you don’t… you will be immediately expelled from Hogwarts…..
Hermione: (whisper) Oh no!
Voldemort: Secondly, anyone wanting to apparate will have to pay 5 sickles per mile.
Fred & George: That’s rubbish!
Voldemort: Thirdly, I am planning to increase security, particularly in and around Hogwarts. As of now, dementors will patrol every entrance to the castle. I am also having Death Eaters securing Hogsmede village. (Long pause)
AND FINAL I am going to close down a number of departments within the ministry meaning many people will lose jobs. The first to go this week is the misuse of muggle artefacts office.
Ron: DAD!
Voldemort: And now, I’m off to my new office where I will discuss more changes and cuts that will happen in the future. (Voldemort disapparates away leaving green flames blaring out of the goblet)
(Harry rubs his forehead deep in thought)
SCENE 3: Harry, Ron & Hermione are reading the Daily Prophet in the Three Broomsticks drinking butterbeer
Hermione: Things are really getting worse in the ministry. You Know Who is really causing problems. Listen to this: Minister for magic, He Who Must Not Be Named, is in the process of letting Azkhaban prisoners be able to vote for Death Eaters to join the ministry. That is seriously not right!
(Harry & Ron nod in unison)
Ron: Dad has been out of a job for a week and is already going mad.
(Sounds of screaming and bright white and green lights appear through the pub window in the street)
Harry: What’s happening?
(All three exit the pub and enter the street where a death eater flies over their heads and they find a body on the floor surrounded by other students.)
Ginny: (trembling) It’s Neville. He was trying to produce a patrounus on a dementor and the death eater cast the killing curse on him. (Starts sobbing on Ron’s shoulder)
Harry: Do you know which death eater did it?
(Ginny shrugs)
Hermione: What do we do?
Harry: I know….. (takes out wand) …. RIOT!
(Everyone cheers, running franticly with wands out, casting spells, breaking into shops and pubs, fire spreading across streets and constant yells and screams)
Ron: MOB RULES!…… (Wand aimed at shop door) BOMBARDER!
Dean: FUCK YOU VOLDEMORT! (Smashing glasses with spell)
Seamus: EXSPELLIARMUS! (Puffs of smoke and ash come out of his wand burning him and things near him.)
Ron: Wow Seamus, your dodgy wand finally becomes useful!…. STUPIFY!
(Harry falls to the floor his scar stinging him as Voldemort appears in the sky)
Voldemort: (Amplified) SSSAHYA-SSSEAETHE………..
(Everybody stares up motionless)
Voldemort: HOW DARE YOU DISRUPT MY HOLIDAY!!!
What satirical work do you enjoy reading, listening to and/or watch? Let us know in the comments box ot social media.
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